Parent’s contribution in ‘Maslow’s hierarchy of needs’.
Ma: So, how’s the weather there, beta?
Manya: Ma, it’s good. Nothing has changed since yesterday.
Ma: Are the white flowers still blooming on all those trees along the streets?
Manya: Yes, Ma. They are, just like we discussed yesterday!
The exasperation in her voice was crystal clear even though the words had travelled over more than a continent as well as the largest ocean on the planet to reach the listener. And yet the mother either had no clue or pretended to not perceive it in Manya’s voice. Acknowledging it would have meant talking about it, finding out what was bothering her, and discussing it, to come up with a solution. And who wants to do that, right? Well, maybe not her Mother! Manya couldn’t believe she’d had the same conversation with her mother last evening.
Ma: And, what did you have for dinner?
Manya: we had leftovers from last night. Butter chicken and paratha. For once I’m blissfully full. No matter what I eat or how much, I’m never full these days.
Ma: Is it? So, how did you prepare the butter chicken? Do you simply add store-bought fresh cream or use the homemade version as we do in India?
Even though Manya was aware of her mother’s lifelong habit of evading meaningful conversations, she couldn’t help getting frustrated with her for doing just that right now. If it involved weighing options, suggesting a course of action to deal with a problem, analyzing someone’s behaviour, or anything where past experiences were required to find a way forward, her mother would freeze instantly and when she came to her senses she’d change the subject completely. Her mother would always sit tight on the fence, always afraid to jump to either side.
Two months into her first pregnancy, Manya had tackled a lot of loneliness, right when she needed to speak to someone experienced at motherhood. So many unanswered questions about what to expect in the coming months, on what to do about the lack of taste in her mouth, constant feelings of nausea at the smell of her favourite foods, fatigue that dragged her down at every moment of the day all the while being stuck at a job she couldn’t quit.
And yet, despite her incessant, sincere efforts to share her trials with her mother, to find ways of tackling this new phase of her life, all she got out of her were details about new dresses people in her city were donning, the escapades of her kin’s kids, variety of flowers in her garden, the changes in the weather and some new recipes shed tried recently.
Manya wondered what her mother’s conversations with her Dad were all about, not that she’d seen them conversing much at all. It was usually him telling her to get something for him to eat, her firing him verbal grocery lists, instructions for her to be ready for cash withdrawal from their joint account etc. Could that be counted as ‘conversation’ between life partners? Guess not!
They’d never really ever been seen sitting and talking over a serious matter with furrowed foreheads and long sighs or enjoying a conversation, patting each other’s thighs as they broke our guffawing at something one of them had said. They were usually spotted together twice a day, sipping tea in silence or discussing the weather before her Dad left for work and after his return.
Maybe they had their ways of communicating, thought Manya because they were always very supportive of each other. If one of the kids pointed out faults with either of them, the other would rush to their rescue immediately. Since their’s wasn’t a very socially active family, she didn’t have a clue if they defended each other in the company of friends and family.
Will my kids and I also live a similar life of isolation, she wondered. Nausea from the smell of fresh hot chapatis baking in her kitchen threatened to choke her to death and drew her attention away from her thoughts.
Most parents feel that if they’re providing a leak-proof roof over their heads, three meals a day, decent clothes to wear, toys, gadgets and a good number of vacations and social outings, they are fulfilling their parental responsibilities to the fullest. Yet there’s so much more children need from their parents/caretakers for a healthy bringing up. Perhaps a consultation with Maslow would help.
She vowed to herself that she’d always be available to her kids whenever they needed to talk. Not just that, she would communicate so well with them that they would never need to depend on an outsider for support. She wouldn’t just answer their questions, she’d start conversations anticipating their needs. She would use her suffering from a total lack of support, to be the most involved parent she could be without smothering them with her love and care. Her suffering would not go in vain!
